I was at another meeting of the Cecil County Healthy Marriage initiative yesterday morning. We were looking at ways that churches can help save hurting marriages, encourage healthy marriage, and prevent divorce. We heard a compelling presentation of statistical facts offered by our presenter, a newspaper columnist.

Most amazing were the facts about cohabitation. The culture says that living together is a great way to prepare for successful marriage. WRONG!

Listen to these statistics we learned.

45 % of those who live together eventually break up.

34 % of those live together will marry and then divorce (a far worse divorce rate than those who marry without first cohabiting).

10 % will simply continue to live together.

Only 11 % will eventually marry each and stay married for at least 10 years.

Clearly, cohabitation is a recipe for failure. It is one of the most reliable ways to make sure that you do not commit to a successful
marriage or develop relationships with life long commitment. Those who are looking for a loving, committed relationship in marriage would be well advised to steer far clear of cohabitation. Most women sense that intuitively. Most men are looking for convenience (someone to take care of a place for them?) and sex (a fact know by all men and all but the most naive women) in their live in arrangements.

You find a completely different story told on most TV shows, movies, and popular songs. They promote living together as positive and the way normal people live. When the predicted break up and hurts eventually arrive, our culture tells us it was not our poor choice to cohabit. Rather it teaches that it is someone else’s fault. It was the fault of the other person (both parties believe). So they try the same failed approach again, normally receiving the very same results.

Here is how the normal approach often works:

See someone you are attracted to physically.
Find out if you enjoy a few things in common.
Live together enjoying the initial excitement of having sex (physical
compatibility).

The commitment of marriage is sometimes considered at this point after sufficient time has passed or after any of the next points.
Find out if you have a deeper long lasting compatibility (emotional compatibility).
See if your life purposes are compatible.
See if you have anything significant in common in the area of the
spiritual (spiritual compatibility).
At any point in the process where you think it is not working, you simply leave and look for someone else. The process is heavily weighted toward the break ups and failure which follow a lack of
commitment to a partner.

A biblical approach would be almost the opposite order. You would first (not last) determine if there was spiritual compatibility. The very last (not first) thing would be to live together as a married couple after having pledged life long commitment.

The facts are so overwhelming that I wanted to share them with you. Shared in love, some of us may be able to help a friend or relative avoid the pains that so often follow those who believe what our culture teaches about cohabitation leading to marital bliss. It is possible that even with the facts, many may choose to do what is easiest and follow the lead of our culture. But with our help, at least their decision will be an informed one. Hopefully many will be helped.