Horn blasts and raining confetti filled the air as 1999 rolled into 2000. At a New York bistro, Arletta Ashe and her husband Edward waited for the clock to strike midnight. At 62 years of age, Arletta had already been through one divorce, and just over ten years earlier, she had married Edward, a successful executive. As the countdown reached zero and the cheers went up, Arletta looked at Edward, raised her glass and said, “Darling, happy new year. I want a divorce.”1

For a thirty-or forty-something yuppie to succumb to a “mid-life crisis,” buy a Ferrari, and abandon his family scarcely raises an eyebrow in most circles. It happens too often to shock. But older Americans now seem to be turning to divorce as well. According to divorce lawyers, marriage counselors, and gerontologists, broken marriages are on a steep increase among the 55-plus population, even all the way up to people in their 80s.

Several of these “gray divorces” have made headlines in the past few years. In 2002, the 79 year-old chairman and CEO of Viacom, Inc. divorced his wife of 52 years and married a younger woman, and in 2004, George Soros, 74—of Moveon.org fame—separated from his wife after 21 years of marriage. However, the trend is not confined to wealthy businessmen. In the year 2000, New York City granted 574 divorces to people who had been married for 30-34 years, up from 485 in 1998. Divorces after 20-24 years also rose in the city, from 1,310 in 1998 to 1,458 in 2000.

Couples give a variety of reasons for choosing to dissolve their marriages. For one thing, people are living longer. Explained one New York divorce attorney: “A man at 70 is young today . . . [Y]ou’re not looking at the clock toward the end of your life. You’re looking at 17, 18 years of living. And that’s a long time. And those years could be especially vibrant if you can have a vibrant sex life.” Surprisingly, however, it is most often the wives who want to end long-term marriages—and not because their husbands are committing adultery. The women, said another divorce attorney, are simply throwing up their hands. They are discontent, restless, and simply uninterested in their husbands. Arletta Ashe said it plainly: “He was very busy, and I was getting bored. I was in that marriage for life at the beginning. But suddenly I realized, ‘I’m going to go for everything I don’t have in my marriage.’ I wanted it all.”

The effect of these late-life divorces is naturally devastating to families. Dannah Taylor, who left her husband after 31 years, says her children—now in their 30s—still question her divorce. “My kids still ask me, ‘Why didn’t you try to keep the marriage together?’” Her young grandchildren do not understand, either. “Two of them asked me why I wasn’t married to Grandpa Bill anymore,” Taylor said. “It’s complicated.” And heartrending.

Of course, divorce attorneys disagree. In their view, this growing trend is something to be celebrated. “These are people who at 65 decide they have 25 years left,” said one, “and they’re not going to, quote, settle.” And another: “They’re doing it for dignity, for their persona. It’s kind of admirable.”

The increasing prevalence of “gray divorces” speaks volumes about Americans’ weakening respect for the institution of marriage.2 When people can toss aside thirty or forty years of life together because they are “getting bored,” it is difficult to know anymore what “commitment” means. There was a time when “till death do us part” was a promise, a commitment to be relied upon even more sweetly in life’s latter years.3 Now many couples seem to look at their marriage vows as a contract and a dissolvable arrangement. That the nation’s values have eroded to such a degree, even in its oldest and most traditional generation, is a distressing omen for the future of America’s families.
Footnotes:
1

All quotes are from Alex Kuczynski “The 37-Year Itch,” The New York Times, August 8, 2004, 1 and 8.
2

See Kairos Journal article, “Feminism, the Enlightenment, and No-Fault Divorce.”
3

See Kairos Journal article, “Christian Marriages Do Last.”

from Kairos Journal

Posted by the First Baptist Church of Perryville.  FBCP is located in Cecil County, Maryland on Route 40, 1 1/2 miles east of Route 222.